


Trust

by reptillian_paladin



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Canon, Suicidal Thoughts, actually nvm jeremy is a mess too, also he's got anxiety, and jeremy realizes he can't fix what he did, in which michael vents, oh well, sad boy michael mell, this wasnt supposed to be quite as gay as it ended up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-20
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-12-04 12:04:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11554833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reptillian_paladin/pseuds/reptillian_paladin
Summary: "You can tell me what's wrong, Michael. I'm your best friend.""Forget it, it's all just stupid. If I told you all my 'feelings' you'd think of me as a freak.""I would never-""Or a loser."---------------------------Jeremy learns that just because they're friends again doesn't mean everything's fixed.





	Trust

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys i listened to the recording of this show for the first time last night after procrastinating on it for weeks and am already overconnecting to a character so enjoy
> 
> i /think/ this is gonna be a oneshot. if so theres not gonna be much. outright romance bc im not a fan of shoving ppl into relationships to fix their problems like theres some stuff these boys need sorting out first. but if i continue this??? yeah then they'd date but uhhhhh good luck convincing my adhd to write more than one chapter.
> 
> actually yeah post-writing this actually turned out p gay like no kissing but uhh,, hugging and running hands through hair and hand-holding so,,
> 
> also yeah trigger warning for suicidal thoughts. also hhhhh yeah in this michaels got quite a few o' them Mental Illnesses (adhd & rsd, anxiety, depression)

Michael wasn't smiling as brightly as he used to. He didn't laugh as loud, he didn't talk as much, he didn't want to hang out as often.

But Jeremy went a long time without him. Maybe he was imagining it and he always acted this way.

Or maybe Michael just needs some time to adjust again.

That's what Jeremy kept telling himself. Until he pulled up some videos of the two together, just before the Squip incident.

Happy. Relaxed.

And when was the last time he saw him order a vintage soda?

As he watched he realized it was worse than he thought. The boy he hung out with now bore no resemblance to the one having the time of his life less than a year ago.

The next day he couldn't stop watching Michael as they played video games. He used to get really involved in the game, leaning this way and that with his body, but he was motionless. There was barely even a change in his face when Jeremy paused the game.

"What's wrong with you?" He saw Michael flinch slightly at his tone and his eyes widened in horror. "Uh- let me- let me rephrase. You seem miserable. You have seemed miserable for a while. What's wrong."

"Hey man, don't worry about me." Michael smiled, but his eyes showed fear, like a cornered animal, and calculation, like he was going through ways to escape.

"I'm your best friend, it's in my job description to worry about you."

"Relax, man, I'm fine." Michael held firm.

"You don't act like it. You're a totally different person now and-"

"I grew up." He sighed. "I'm not upset over anything, I just got over my embarassing and loud and annoying phase. Don't worry, just enjoy it." He flashed another smile. "I do think I have to go, though."

"No." Jeremy insisted.

"Excuse me?"

"No, you were never embarassing or loud or annoying. And you don't have to go. You can tell me what's wrong, Michael. I'm your best friend."

"Forget it, it's all just stupid. If I told you all my 'feelings' you'd think of me as a freak."

"I would never-"

"Or a loser."

Silence fell. Jeremy looked at the ground and swallowed.

"I-" He took a breath. "I know there's no excuse to that and I can't take it back. You were a better friend to me than I ever deserved and didn't abandon me even when I did the same to you. But I swear to you I will never do it again. Please. Trust me."

"How could I?" Michael all but whispered.

"I thought- Michael I thought we were friends again." Jeremy's throat tightened.

"We are. But that doesn't mean- look, I came back because I cared about you. And I'm your friend again because I care about you. But that doesn't mean I can trust you to care about me. I- do you remember when we met? When we were kids?" 

Jeremy nodded. He remembered sitting next to the kid in the back corner and ending up talking with him and making jokes. He remembered a clear connection.

But that wasn't relevant right now. "How do you remember it?" Jeremy asked.

"You weren't- you weren't a loser. The other kids talked to you. And you sat next to me, who everyone else treated like a disease. We talked and had a good time and eventually one of the other kids decided to make fun of me. And I thought 'Well, this is it. This kid's gonna join in, just like every other person who's sat next to me.' But you stood up for me. You said they were wrong. You chose me over them."

A few tears escaped Michael's eyes. "And ever since that day I became terrified you'd change your mind. I mean, who in their right mind picks one Michael as their choice of friends over the entire rest of the school? Who chooses to get picked on every day just to play some video games with a lonely kid who has no one else? I- I knew you'd abandon me for them. Just a matter of time." He sniffled. "But for a while? You fooled me. Once we got into high school I finally fully trusted that you were never going to stop being my friend. Fuck that, though, right?"

Jeremy's eyes widened and he felt knots forming in his stomach. He fucked up. He fucked up he fucked up he fucked up. He didn't just fight with his friend. He took his worst nightmare, hurt him with it, and left him alone. How could he even begin? How can you try to put back the pieces of a building when you called for the demolition?

"I swear to you, Michael, I will never do that to you again. I don't know how to make you believe me, but-"

"I believe you." A pause. Disbelief. "There's no reason to leave me now. You're friends with everyone, you don't need to get rid of me for that. The point is you had me dragging you down for years. And you talked about wanting to be cool or whatever. And when you finally made the connection that I was what was stopping you, you cut me out. That's the choice you made, and you know what? I think if you figured out the game you would have made the same call without a Squip." His voice was breaking constantly but there wasn't much he could do.

Jeremy was crying now. "I'm so sorry, and you know, maybe you're right. I spent so much time blaming everything on the Squip, just to avoid thinking about- what if you're right, what if I would have done the same things if I knew- am I a shitty person? I know I'm the worst friend in the world but what if I'm actually a monster?" His breathing started picking up.

"Jeremy, you're not- you're not shitty. I don't blame you. I'm upset but who can blame you for wanting other friends? It's not your fault I had no one to fall back on." He tried to give a small laugh but Jeremy's face just looked numb when he did it.

"No, no, I'm definitely awful, I just made you comfort me. You know what, fuck it. Fuck your 'I don't blame you' bullshit. You have to be pissed beyond belief with me. So stand up and shout at me about everything I did wrong. Don't spare my feelings."

Michael blinked. "You don't want to do that."

"No, I'm pretty sure I do. Come on, stand up, I want to do this."

They both got to their feet, Michael much more hesitant.

"You won't hate me for this?"

"I will never hate you."

A pause. An encouraging nod. "I know I'm not enough, alright? One friend isn't enough for everyone. But dammit Jeremy, you didn't have to go straight for the _popular crowd_ , you knew how long they have bullied us for! And you knew they wouldn't accept me, and that's who you wanted? Could you not find another outcast or did you think after hanging out with me that you didn't want another loser on your tail?

"And you know what hurts? You didn't even ditch me for the cool friends. I figured that out pretty quickly, you didn't even care that much about being popular. You ditched me for one person, a girl you talked to just a few times. That's what all my years of friendship was worth to you. And you know what? She was already talking to you, you didn't need shit to help. I bet she would have put up with me! But fuck you, you need to make extra sure that I didn't get in your way. Dammit I sound like such a jealous freak right now but I just-" His voice was getting louder and starting to break again.

"And god dammit, did you ever stop thinking about how you only had one friend long enough to remember that you were my only friend too? You were all I had. You were the only person in my life who gave a shit about me. At night whenever I thought about how pointless my whole goddamn existence was, I could think 'Hey, at least I have one person who enjoys being with me.'" A hollow laugh.

"And then you fucking abandoned me. Alone. At a party. After avoiding me for what felt like forever because of the Squip, you get a second away from it and you call me a loser and look at me like I'm a piece of used gum on your fucking shoe. You left me alone to hate myself and cry and have a panic attack and almost try to ki-" The word got choked off and the yelling stopped abruptly. _Fuck, fuck, fuck, he said too much._

Jeremy's voice was so small. "Michael, I'm so s-"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't, uh, mean anything by the last part, fuck, forget it all, _fuck!_ "

"You have nothing to be sorry for. Can I- can I hug you?" A step forward. A pause. A small nod. Then he was holding Michael in his arms.

"Please don't feel bad about feeling like that. I am not mad at you." Jeremy ran a hand through Michael's hair to soothe him. "And I was an idiot back then. I learned a lot, I grew up, and I realized that you are the best person in my life. Knowing what I know now, I will never leave you or make you feel that way again. I'm so sorry, you're the best friend I could hope for, I mean, everything about you is-"

"So terrible." Michael cut him off.

The phrasing immediately made Jeremy panic. Within a second he had Michael pushed out to an arm's reach and was staring him in the eyes. His voice was stern. "Michael, be honest with-"

"Relax, I didn't take a Squip. Don't need to. My own goddamned brain tells me that I'm garbage, that everything I want to say is wrong, that people are going to leave me alone because I'm a freak. Except this doesn't want to make me popular, it wants me to die. Oh, and it doesn't go away with Mountain Dew Red."

"Why didn't you tell anyone? That's a lot, Michael, and you need to get help."

"No one to tell, no one to care."

"What about last year? Why didn't you tell me then?"

"It wasn't that bad. Around you, I used to be able to say anything on my mind and not cringe at myself. I didn't used to worry about how much I was fidgeting or who thinks I look stupid, all I cared about was my friend. And then suddenly I couldn't count on him to not care about how weird I am. So..."

A beat passed. A horrified whisper. "I fucking Squipped you."

A sigh. "Je-"

Rushed words. Backing away to shrink into a corner. "No. No, no. I'm sorry in advance for freaking out because we should be focusing on you but-" A deep breath. "But I Squipped you. You did nothing but help me get that thing out of my head and all the while I kept hurting you and told you that you weren't good enough and I _made the same thing happen to you._ What the fuck. What the fuck, who would do that? God, I hated how I felt with that, how could I just-" Sobbing. Sobbing. Hyperventila-

"Jeremy, ok, Jeremy, I'm here, alright. I'm- can you hear me?" Fuck, fuck, he was talking too quick, too loud, he had to calm himself down first. A deep breath, a low, controlled voice. "Jeremy, can you hear me?" Nothing.

He asked again. A nod. "Alright, good, you're doing good. Now can you breathe with me, alright? In...out...in..out...in...out... you've got it, buddy."

Time passed. More breathing. Two boys laying on the ground next to each other, exhausted.

"I'm going to do anything I can to help you, Michael. I'm going to help you quiet this thing down if it's the last thing I do. We have to be in this together, Player 1."

Michael smiled to himself.

Jeremy held out a hand. "Do you trust me?"

Michael held it in his own. "Yes."

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys comment to donate to this cool new kickstarter called my self esteem
> 
> u can also cheque out my tumblr at gavrockandroll


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